pachai maamalai pol mene

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

IT IS MY OWN VANITY AND MAYBE ARROGANCE

As I am crossing the 56.5 years in age it is really old age for me.  When I meet young ladies even around 35 years, my  mind is rather paternal. I could see my son alone in all the youngsters.  It is a good augury for a worthy social life but the fact that one has grown old, the hairs are grey, the teeth are no long accommodative, the steps are doddery.... all make me introspect.
Almost completing thirty five years in the Incometax Department at various levels,  and having reached the peak that I could achieve considering the entry point...I want to introspect..  Years thinking nothing else other than taxation for about 14to 16 hours a day,  with a mercenary spirit...right or wrong you collect tax for the department...no prick of conscience that others suffer... it is an obsession. No escape  from it. Neglected were may parents and siblings, wife and son...except for the complete surrender of ones salary to them...every day except one day  mortgaged to the Service... what have I achieved.

I talk about Krishna.. about gita, bharathiars pantheism, poonthanam's self surrender, but is Krishna a mere opiate to haul me up when I am in physical distress?  I have read old and new writings about Him, I try to concentrate all my faith on Him, but I have not seen Him, not felt Him in my life...I am trying to spend a lot of words and hyperboles on Him in the uncertain expectation that He will show up some day..If He is not kind enough to show tat least a small piece of the peacock feather he adorns Himself with?
A couple of weeks ago I visited the temple of Anathapadmanaabhaswamy in Trivandrum..when I was handed over the prasadams of the Lord, I found a piece of mayilpeeli (peacock feather) in it.  Usually no priest give this as a prasadam... I wonder whether the dark darling boy is beckoning me.  May be it is only a hallucination.  But the piece of feather remains with me..
Was it a vision or a waking dream...?