musings 349

My life has been like that always. It is meaningless to feel sad at 71.
Saraswathi was always my benefactor and laksmi and shakthi were not so.
I was within the first 10 in kerala state in 1969 SSLC. I came to know of that much later. No one ever was there to project me. And I did not know how to sell myself. With some polishing I could have been at the top
.Some ten or eleven marks out of six hundred was all that was needed to reach the top ..
In every situation in life that jinx followed me.
Lost Civil services by a whisker again because lack of talent for self projection.
Occupying powerful posts and having highly placed friends never worked to my benefit.
All advantages just vanished at least at the finishing point.
So I have learnt to accept things without complaint.
But I am human.
Fate always gives message through others giving me some encouragement and then just pushes me down very deep at the finale.
It is just my karma
Maybe god is giving the message that I am born here not to be happy.
Why should I challenge him. ?
Why should I feel bitter when for no conceivable reason people just kick me..uninvited?
Perhaps they are the agents of God and fate.
Yes many times when I had the choice to keep quiet or go out of the way to help I chose to help without any expectations except perhaps a friendly nod.
But usually no nods came but disappointment alone came in huge parcels.
Fate is supreme.
Sixty five years or so are gone like this.
Now it is months or a few years more.
This too will pass
In kicking me friends family and enemies were all generous to a fault.
Each tried to better others